WHY DIDN’T I LEARN THIS IN SCHOOL?

Sunday, November 18, 2007

What was the most important lesson you learned OUTSIDE of school?

I believe one important lesson I’ve learned was derived from my father’s impassioned wisdom. In reality, he just reinforced what I already knew in my heart but it was refreshing—in many ways--hearing the words from his mouth. My father advised me to be ‘true to myself’; which of course, could span a lifetime of incidents but for this particular daddy lesson—he knew that I knew his reference point. Honesty feeds the soul and there are times when you have to be honest with yourself in order to reach some peace within. Amen, I thought as I mentally began to tackle this obstacle.

I believed (and still do to a degree) that my whorish brothers had an impact on my life in countless ways—especially with my relationships with men. The word ‘whorish’ might carry a mean-spirited denotation but believe me—that’s not my intention. I admire and love my brothers more than life itself so I do not want to impress upon the audience of any resentment or negative vibes toward them. It was quite the opposite—actually. I had admired them—in a wanton way—because of their confidence and the way they manipulated situations, bent the rules and still managed to win the prize. Quintessentially, they had always landed on two feet. Kinda cool, eh? As a young girl, it was striking because I held my older brother, Ed, with great reverence. And I still do.

As his kid sister, I owed him loyalty—regardless of the situation. At that time, I believed this rationalization to counter the lies I spewed for my brother. The lies tasted like acute poison in my mouth. They were too spicy to digest so I spit them out; unfortunately, these lies were spun for the wrong reason. Then again, there are no ‘right’ reasons for a lie, right?

I witnessed their conniving ways...intricate lies and just ‘bad behavior’ toward relationships and women in particular. Both had several girlfriends at one time; whereas each girlfriend was oblivious to the other one. It baffled me to a stifling frustration as to the basis for wanting more than one girlfriend. Was it that addictive—this thing called lust? Our parents were married (at the time) for twenty odd years; but this stability did not seem to have an influence for them. Fidelity wasn’t in—I supposed. Being inexperienced and quite inquisitive—this plagued me but I never ‘let on’ that it did. I did not want to be labeled as ‘a little girl’—considering I was the only female left in the house. Quickly, I tried to grasp these concepts of distrust and exploitation while justifying them as being imperative considering this was the orbit of my brothers’ unfaithful lives.

When I was younger, my older brother used me as his ‘scapegoat’ which encompassed lying for him (to his many women). I HATED IT. I felt horrible inside but I didn’t say anything because he was my big brother and I didn’t want him to be upset---If I pissed off my big brother—who would I look up to?

The deceit and dishonesty were slowly singeing my spirit. Each lie added another burden to my—already burdened young soul... I couldn’t look the girlfriends in the eyes when I knew my brother had been with another woman. As female, I felt he betrayed the entire sex.

I had to break free.

One day, I told my father about these lies (I’ve been telling for my brother). This did not please him. The disappointment in his eyes said it all.

But, I was mystified. Dad also told us that family’s first and we should always support family. This mental puzzle needed to be put together because I was confused. Was I doing the right thing?

Daddy sat me down; he explained that it was acceptable to help my brother as long as it didn’t get in the way of my own soul. He also explicated the impact of a guilty conscience. That made me freeze in mid sentence. Guilty Conscience. That was the culprit of my sadness.

Why didn’t I learn this in school?

He told me to be true to myself; in essence, I readied myself to start that journey for self analysis. Eventually, I stood up to my brother. Told him that he would have to find another scapegoat. The lies had to stop. And they did.

I felt rehabilitated after those heavy burdens were released from my shoulders.